So my NP put me on a new drug that's typically used for people with schizophrenia. It's done wonders for my mental health and I feel like I've finally found the magic cocktail of drugs that helped me feel (mostly) back to normal.
However, I have been experiencing lots of hunger and near panic attack levels of anxiety the moment I realize I'm hungry. It's been a couple weeks and I can tell that I'm putting on weight. My first reaction to this was to try and clamp down on my eating so I can keep my current physique. I tried cutting back on the food and tracking it but that didn't help quell my anxiety triggered by hunger.
I used to be one of those people who would look at a fat person and think "Ew." I would constantly ask myself why they don't just get it together and lose the excess poundage. Well now I have been faced with my own reality check. I can keep taking these drugs and feel mentally well but put on a bit of weight, or I can come off the drugs, fall back into depression, and keep the body I currently have.
While I know what my healthy brain is saying (Push through the anxiety, it's just a feeling after all!) but I have some hesitations about following that. I have a whole new respect for those people who have taken medication only to be ravaged by obesity.
I was craving McDonald's this evening and on my way back, I had a realization. I've been praying and begging Heavenly Father to free me from the bounds of my own diseased mind, to let me feel better and help me to function again. But now that he's given me that, I am forced into a different set of challenges; my body getting bigger and my self esteem being challenged. I've known for my whole life that I'm pretty/attractive, and I have always had a solid self image at least about my face. But with this new trial coming my way, I need to reevaluate my set of beliefs. It dawned on me that being pretty/sexy isn't the end-all-be-all of life. I don't have to cling to my looks like a rosary and allow my ego, which was much more fragile than I thought, to take a back seat.
One of my big goals for this year was to find myself. To let myself love the things I do, to have my own independent thoughts, and to do the things I feel like I should. I shaved my head a few months back and I wear as much black as possible and that has actually felt incredibly freeing.
I think the next step in my journey is to accept myself for how my body will change in the near future. I have vowed that if I ever become so heavy that it effects my mobility in any way (or if I no longer feel pretty when being intimate with J) then I will crack down and lose a bit. But as of right now, when my mood is finally stable, I can't force myself to hold tight to a diet plan. I will do my very best to keep moving around and I'll eat healthy when I can, but I won't force myself to not eat a treat.
I'm choosing this day to be grateful to Heavenly Father for lifting the yoke of mental illness off my shoulders. He's entrusted me with this new trial because it's the next step in my mortal growth.
I feel like this will be a great opportunity to get to know Him again and to be more regular in my worship.
However, I have been experiencing lots of hunger and near panic attack levels of anxiety the moment I realize I'm hungry. It's been a couple weeks and I can tell that I'm putting on weight. My first reaction to this was to try and clamp down on my eating so I can keep my current physique. I tried cutting back on the food and tracking it but that didn't help quell my anxiety triggered by hunger.
I used to be one of those people who would look at a fat person and think "Ew." I would constantly ask myself why they don't just get it together and lose the excess poundage. Well now I have been faced with my own reality check. I can keep taking these drugs and feel mentally well but put on a bit of weight, or I can come off the drugs, fall back into depression, and keep the body I currently have.
While I know what my healthy brain is saying (Push through the anxiety, it's just a feeling after all!) but I have some hesitations about following that. I have a whole new respect for those people who have taken medication only to be ravaged by obesity.
I was craving McDonald's this evening and on my way back, I had a realization. I've been praying and begging Heavenly Father to free me from the bounds of my own diseased mind, to let me feel better and help me to function again. But now that he's given me that, I am forced into a different set of challenges; my body getting bigger and my self esteem being challenged. I've known for my whole life that I'm pretty/attractive, and I have always had a solid self image at least about my face. But with this new trial coming my way, I need to reevaluate my set of beliefs. It dawned on me that being pretty/sexy isn't the end-all-be-all of life. I don't have to cling to my looks like a rosary and allow my ego, which was much more fragile than I thought, to take a back seat.
One of my big goals for this year was to find myself. To let myself love the things I do, to have my own independent thoughts, and to do the things I feel like I should. I shaved my head a few months back and I wear as much black as possible and that has actually felt incredibly freeing.
I think the next step in my journey is to accept myself for how my body will change in the near future. I have vowed that if I ever become so heavy that it effects my mobility in any way (or if I no longer feel pretty when being intimate with J) then I will crack down and lose a bit. But as of right now, when my mood is finally stable, I can't force myself to hold tight to a diet plan. I will do my very best to keep moving around and I'll eat healthy when I can, but I won't force myself to not eat a treat.
I'm choosing this day to be grateful to Heavenly Father for lifting the yoke of mental illness off my shoulders. He's entrusted me with this new trial because it's the next step in my mortal growth.
I feel like this will be a great opportunity to get to know Him again and to be more regular in my worship.
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