I was at Costco today grabbing just a few things before I went to L's school to pick him up. I had N with me and I had gotten him into the car and then all my stuff. I couldn't find a parking spot near a cart holder so I left the cart next to my car and I made sure it wouldn't roll anywhere. A few spots away, there was a woman in a $80k car, she had bleach blonde hair, wearing a white denim jacket and cheetah print leggings. She approached me just as I was about to get into my vehicle and asked me if I was just going to leave the cart there. I replied yes. She said in a disapproving tone that I shouldn't do that because it might ding someones car. I told her I had my son with me so I couldn't take the cart to the stall. She dramatically rolled her eyes and grabbed the cart, furiously pushing it to its proper place.
I was proud of myself in this moment for two reasons. I didn't explain the full reason why I wouldn't be returning the cart and I also stuck to my guns when in a confrontation.
I have a crippling fear that someone will kidnap my children and I'll never see them again. I'm probably a helicopter parent, but I'm actively working on allowing my boys to have more independence.
Last week, L was given a permission slip for a class zoo trip. I agonized signing that paper for three days before taking a deep breath, filling it out, and stuffing it into my son's backpack. The morning of the trip, I reminded him to stay with the chaperone he was assigned to and to not leave with someone he doesn't know. I kissed him, told him I loved him, and sent him on his way.
I waited the four hours before I was supposed to pick him up at home in my favorite chair with my phone. I didn't do very well interacting with N during that time, but he gladly played on Minecraft so I didn't worry too much about that. My heart felt like it had migrated to my throat.
N and I went to his school and waited for him to come out. I gripped the steering wheel while breathing deep. My OCD threw abusive comments at me saying, "He's not there, he's gone, you won't see him again." But to my relief he was skipping out the door while holding his teachers hand on the way to my car. He had a great time and made a couple new friends from the PM class that were in his group.
My health is struggling right now. I've been wearing my holter monitor for a week now. The weight of it doesn't bother me too much but I've developed a horrible rash on the spots of skin where the adhesive electrodes attach to my body. Three of the four places look like a rash ridden bulls eye, and I have hives too. I called the company on the package that my monitor was given to me in and the operator on the phone said he would have hypoallergenic electrodes sent directly to my house. Hopefully that'll help with the itching and tenderness.
My doctor said I have extremely high cholesterol levels and somewhat high triglyceride levels. My vitamin D is only about 20% of what it should be too. My doctor put me on a very strict low cholesterol diet and I have to take a prescription strength dose of vitamin D for the next three months and then they'll check my levels again. My chances of my cholesterol going down on its own is slim though. My paternal grandmother had high cholesterol, and my dad and aunt have high cholesterol too. None of us are obese or even overweight. We just have a fucked up gene that makes our bodies hold onto cholesterol easier. I'm expecting for them to tell me I'll have to take anti-cholesterol medication for the rest of my life, in addition to eating as clean as possible and exercising more. Neither of those things are bad, though. If this condition makes me make healthier choices, then I'll do it. I won't have much of a choice.
My arrhythmia is back with a vengeance. I have tachycardia mixed with shortness of breath and chest pain. It's been going consistently for about a month now. The chest tightness and pain happen more if I'm stressed. I think it's partially an anxiety response because after that argument with that woman at Costco, the whole time I was driving home it felt hard to breathe and my chest felt like it was being crushed on all sides. The last time I had to wear a holter monitor I was told that my arrhythmia was just an anxiety response. The difference now is that I'm medicated for my anxiety and depression. I'm hoping that they can get to the bottom of this issue.
Last week was the first anniversary of my second miscarriage. I was pregnant for a week before we lost it. I started bleeding on the day after mother's day. I wonder if that's the reason I've been feeling so depressed this last week. I've been sluggish and the weight on my chest was debilitating.
N's fifth birthday is tomorrow. We had a party with grandparents last night and N designed his own cake at our grocery store's bakery. He got Lego sets and he's been building with them all day. J and I bought the boys Minecraft for the PS4 so they can play together at the same time easily. I hope this next week will be better than last.
