7/7

Today is my dog's last day on earth. Tomorrow morning we'll take her to the vet to be put down. I've been anticipating this for about six months and I tried my best to mentally prepare for this but I'm not ready. I've had her since I was thirteen and she's thirteen now. She had four seizures just today and J and I both agree that it's time to let her go.

I wish losing a friend didn't need to be this hard but life isn't easy. Luckily the hurt in my heart doesn't feel like depression at all so that's good, I'm really hoping I can avoid slipping into depression because that would make the grieving process a lot easier.

I'm looking at her sleeping on her pillow and my eyes are filling with tears. It feels like someone tied a cinderblock to my heart and dropped it. She's miserable and although she's on painkillers I can still tell she's in pain. I can't be selfish and keep her here longer. I can't be selfish and let her go into the vet room to be put down all alone. I know I need to be brave to help her go to the other side in peace but I'm afraid I'll have a mental break afterward.

I'm going to ask L and N to help me find a good burial spot for her. I'm also going to invite them to help me decorate the box she'll be buried in so they can feel some peace too. I worry about L's well being because he seems to be more aware of the gravity of the situation than N is. I wish it was the 8th so all of this could be over, but that can't happen. This is something I'm going to have to go through and I'm praying I can find the strength to hold it together while she goes.

I love her so much and I wish she could live forever but we're going to love her enough to let her go. She's been such a great dog, she's been with me through everything, and I'm so grateful that she's been here with me for this long.

Chloe, I love you and I hope I can make your last day a great one. <3

7/3

I've been feeling okay health wise lately. I feel stupid for feeling like I was dying and what not because it was probably all just anxiety. Fuck you, anxiety.

We got a puppy last week. My mom bought a dog for 1.7k and three months later she messages me and asks me if I want him. Since Chloe is doing really poorly J said he was fine with us taking him in. We changed his name from Toby to Toshi.

I've been getting the minimizing itch lately. I went on a huge decluttering spree a couple years ago and I got rid of so much stuff, but now I don't have much to go through if I'm really honest. It's just that I feel like I'm out of control of my life and I'm clamoring for something to take charge of. I've gone through my drawer in the bathroom, my bedside table, the armoire in my room, and the medicine cabinet. I've found so much shit to get rid of and it's feeling very freeing. It's nice too because I'm able to really look at what I want to keep to invest in storage baskets and canisters to hold everything in an aesthetically pleasing way. I'm hoping it'll make my anxiety take a fucking chill pill.

Another thing I need to do is I need to read through 85% of my fiction section on our bookshelves. I have over a dozen books that are exclusively mine that I haven't started or haven't finished. I want to free up space for books that I actually want to keep for a long time. I haven't decided which book to start with though, it's an intimidating stack.

I'm trying really hard to not feel like I need to go shopping to fill the anxious void. That will just make me more stressed when it comes to keeping my house tidy. I'll write about my minimizing progress in my next post.